When someone at work experiences a miscarriage, most people want to say the right thing. The problem is that many of the phrases we reach for are shaped by discomfort, fear, or a desire to “fix” the pain rather than sit with it.
At work especially, where grief is already awkward and poorly understood, well meaning comments can land hard. What sounds reassuring to the speaker can feel minimising, dismissive, or even shaming to the person who has lost a pregnancy.
Here are five of the most common things people say after a miscarriage, and why they often do more harm than good.
1. “At least it was early”
This is one of the most common responses to miscarriage, particularly in professional settings. It is usually meant to reassure. What it actually does is rank grief.
For the person hearing it, this can sound like their loss does not qualify as “real” or significant enough to deserve sadness, time, or care. Early pregnancy still carries hope, attachment, planning, and identity. Loss is not measured in weeks.
There is no stage of pregnancy where loss is easy.
2. “Everything happens for a reason”
This phrase often comes from a place of trying to make meaning out of pain. In reality, it can feel deeply invalidating.
Miscarriage is not a lesson. It is not a test. It is not something that needed to happen so that something better could come along. Suggesting there is a reason can leave someone feeling blamed or spiritually short changed when all they are experiencing is grief.
Sometimes things happen because bodies are complex and biology is imperfect. That is explanation enough.
3. “Look for the silver linings”
This is another attempt to move someone away from pain as quickly as possible. At work, it often sounds like encouragement to “stay positive” or “focus on the upside”.
The problem is timing. Grief does not need reframing in its early stages. Asking someone to find a silver lining too soon can feel like pressure to perform resilience or optimism for the comfort of others.
Grief needs space before perspective.
4. “You can always try again”
This phrase assumes far more than it realises. It assumes fertility, physical recovery, emotional readiness, financial capacity, and choice.
For some people, trying again is not possible. For others, it is possible but terrifying. For many, the loss has already changed how future pregnancies will feel.
Reducing miscarriage to a temporary setback misses the reality that it often reshapes a person’s relationship with their body, their sense of safety, and their future.
5. “Back in my day, we just got on with it”
This one often appears wrapped in nostalgia or resilience culture. It may be intended as encouragement or perspective, but it usually communicates something else entirely.
It suggests that the person grieving is being too sensitive, too emotional, or too demanding. It reinforces the idea that silence and endurance are virtues, rather than signs of a workplace that did not allow grief to be expressed.
Just because people suffered quietly in the past does not mean we should ask them to keep doing so now.
What you can say instead
You do not need the perfect words. You need honest, simple, human ones.
Here are some responses that tend to land with more care.
“I’m so sorry this has happened.” - This acknowledges the loss without minimising it.
“Thank you for telling me.” - This recognises the trust it takes to share something so personal at work.
“You do not need to explain anything to me.” - This removes pressure and protects boundaries.
“Take the time you need. We can figure work out.” - This signals support and flexibility.
“I do not know what to say, but I am thinking of you.” - Honesty is often better than forced reassurance.
If you are a manager or colleague, your role is not to fix grief or rush recovery. It is to create enough safety that someone does not have to carry their loss alone while pretending everything is fine.